Since last night, it has been a bit of back-to-back sob marathons.
It started when I caught the ending of the movie Pay It Forward. It was not as much as Haley dying, but more on how he had affected many lives. People came in droves to pay their last respect with flowers and candles at the gates of his home.
Earlier my sob saga continue as I had sobbed at my good friend Trish's blog about her aunt. I was so moved with her brutal honesty and vulnerability.
Later this evening, after listening to the song Just Stand Up, I started sobbing again.
I guess the common denominator, more than making the most out of one's life and inspiring others, is I'm allowing my heart to soften again, allowing it to feel, to pump again.
I thank these influences and inspirations. Yes, I'm sober albeit infused with love. I'm intoxicated with the oxygen of life. I'm grabbing life by the horns and bucking to the best ride of my life.
Live Life to the Fullest, Live Love.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Baby Boom Boom Boom
Sure being a bum in a very traditional Chinese family places you on the wrung lower than where maggots reside; however, it has it's benefits.
I caught one of Tyra's shows lately. They talked about Teen Pregnancies.
Gahd, these kids are practically babies. Their age ranged from 13-17. All of them had had sex, and at least 5 of them each had already had a kid.
One already had 2 abortions. One thought she's only having a flu, but she never thought she had just had a miscarriage. The 17 year old had already been pregnant 3 times. Guess, where the 13 year old is right now? Yep, ya got that right, pregnant! 4 months down the road.
What the heck is the world coming to? One teen says she wants to be pregnant and has been taking measures to get there. She and Tyra got into a mild debate. Her rebuttal? If Jamie Lynn ( Spears) can have a baby, why can't she? Dang! What education are they getting?
I caught one of Tyra's shows lately. They talked about Teen Pregnancies.
Gahd, these kids are practically babies. Their age ranged from 13-17. All of them had had sex, and at least 5 of them each had already had a kid.
One already had 2 abortions. One thought she's only having a flu, but she never thought she had just had a miscarriage. The 17 year old had already been pregnant 3 times. Guess, where the 13 year old is right now? Yep, ya got that right, pregnant! 4 months down the road.
What the heck is the world coming to? One teen says she wants to be pregnant and has been taking measures to get there. She and Tyra got into a mild debate. Her rebuttal? If Jamie Lynn ( Spears) can have a baby, why can't she? Dang! What education are they getting?
Friday, September 19, 2008
Disney Favorites: Ratatouille
I've always been a fan of Disney movies, especially since as I get older, I find deeper meanings every time I watch a rerun.
One of Disney's most recent movies is Ratatouille. Nagustuhan ko na siya agad sa unang panood:
1. Because I'm born year of the Rat
2. Because the movie is about food
3. Because andaming lessons yung movie
A lot of the movie's "teachings" speak directly to me having just graduated from LEAP. One such learning I got from Remy is just to follow what your heart dictates.
As Remy should everyone, he proved Gusteau's mantra that anyone can be a cook. As a matter of fact, anyone can be who or s/he wants to be. Again the age-old adage: If there's a will, there's a way.
Linguini tried to hide the fact that Remy was directing his culinary actions in the kitchen. But eventually the truth shall unfold. This reminds me of a Filipino kasabihan: walang sikretong hindi nabubunyag.
In general, this movie really captivates me because here is Remy, who's really a cool cool rat, who let his passion guide him, and at the end, he's total success. Not because he has loads of money or he has his own restaurant with a renowned food critic as an investor, but because he is doing what he was born to do. Nothing beats following your truth.
One of Disney's most recent movies is Ratatouille. Nagustuhan ko na siya agad sa unang panood:
1. Because I'm born year of the Rat
2. Because the movie is about food
3. Because andaming lessons yung movie
A lot of the movie's "teachings" speak directly to me having just graduated from LEAP. One such learning I got from Remy is just to follow what your heart dictates.
As Remy should everyone, he proved Gusteau's mantra that anyone can be a cook. As a matter of fact, anyone can be who or s/he wants to be. Again the age-old adage: If there's a will, there's a way.
Linguini tried to hide the fact that Remy was directing his culinary actions in the kitchen. But eventually the truth shall unfold. This reminds me of a Filipino kasabihan: walang sikretong hindi nabubunyag.
In general, this movie really captivates me because here is Remy, who's really a cool cool rat, who let his passion guide him, and at the end, he's total success. Not because he has loads of money or he has his own restaurant with a renowned food critic as an investor, but because he is doing what he was born to do. Nothing beats following your truth.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Feeling Chinese Films
One of the perks for working for the Confucius Institute is having access to some of the most beautiful movies made by Chinese.
A World Without Thieves heightened my maternal instinct (protectiveness) at the same time brought back my trust in humanity.
Wang Li, a female con-artist is pregnant. She believes in karma and wants to change the fate of her unborn child by setting her life right. No more conning and stealing. Her lover Wang Bo is unaware for a long time and continues to con Sha Gen, a young and naive goat-herder they met on the train.
Unfortunately for Wang Bo, another master con-artist Uncle Li and his gang is also on the train with them and has his eyes on Sha Gen's RMB 60,000 savings. Wang Li, who had taken Sha Gen as her adopted brother continues to protect him from the prying thieves.
After witnessing his cunning skills, Uncle Li was tempted to try and recruit Wang Bo to join his gang. However, he had been unsuccessful, so he set up a manipulative challenge to force Wang Bo to succumb. First one to get Sha Gen's RMB 60,000 wins.
At the end of the film, the audience sees a dead Wang Bo clutching his cellphone; a peacefully sleeping Sha Gen with his bag of money sitting comfortably, albeit tainted with blood, beside him; Uncle Li again in one of his numerous disguises blending in with the crowd alighting the train. Uncle Li has gotten far before he was apprehended by the police detective who had recognized all of their tricks by now as a result of following their cases for a long time.
Wang Li is seen in a Chinese restaurant chowing down dimsums like popcorn. Cellphone beside her. She is visited by the detective. He claims Wang Bo will not come anymore. She had been waiting, and now she finally understood. Hope washed from her face. What's left is an expression of disbelief. Slow recovery, grief slowly creeping in, a slow realization that her lover's gone forever, that his last breath was a heroic feat dedicated to his unborn child.
A World Without Thieves heightened my maternal instinct (protectiveness) at the same time brought back my trust in humanity.
Wang Li, a female con-artist is pregnant. She believes in karma and wants to change the fate of her unborn child by setting her life right. No more conning and stealing. Her lover Wang Bo is unaware for a long time and continues to con Sha Gen, a young and naive goat-herder they met on the train.
Unfortunately for Wang Bo, another master con-artist Uncle Li and his gang is also on the train with them and has his eyes on Sha Gen's RMB 60,000 savings. Wang Li, who had taken Sha Gen as her adopted brother continues to protect him from the prying thieves.
After witnessing his cunning skills, Uncle Li was tempted to try and recruit Wang Bo to join his gang. However, he had been unsuccessful, so he set up a manipulative challenge to force Wang Bo to succumb. First one to get Sha Gen's RMB 60,000 wins.
At the end of the film, the audience sees a dead Wang Bo clutching his cellphone; a peacefully sleeping Sha Gen with his bag of money sitting comfortably, albeit tainted with blood, beside him; Uncle Li again in one of his numerous disguises blending in with the crowd alighting the train. Uncle Li has gotten far before he was apprehended by the police detective who had recognized all of their tricks by now as a result of following their cases for a long time.
Wang Li is seen in a Chinese restaurant chowing down dimsums like popcorn. Cellphone beside her. She is visited by the detective. He claims Wang Bo will not come anymore. She had been waiting, and now she finally understood. Hope washed from her face. What's left is an expression of disbelief. Slow recovery, grief slowly creeping in, a slow realization that her lover's gone forever, that his last breath was a heroic feat dedicated to his unborn child.
Gender Illusionists
Heard this term in one of Queer Eye's episodes. They used this term to refer to drag queens. I just love drag queens.
Once during Tita Au's big birthday bash at Manila Hotel, they hired Dragons (or was it Drag-ons), a group of local drag queens to perform their own rendition of a number of songs like Moulin Rouge and Phantom of the Opera. They were just hilarious and amazing! Wouldn't mind getting a huge birthday cake with a fancy drag queen popping out to surprise and greet me "Happylaloo Birthdaylaloo!" Now that's one for the road.
Once during Tita Au's big birthday bash at Manila Hotel, they hired Dragons (or was it Drag-ons), a group of local drag queens to perform their own rendition of a number of songs like Moulin Rouge and Phantom of the Opera. They were just hilarious and amazing! Wouldn't mind getting a huge birthday cake with a fancy drag queen popping out to surprise and greet me "Happylaloo Birthdaylaloo!" Now that's one for the road.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
MMDA - Mga Mamang Dumudukot ng Assets
Oh, man, where shall I start? This country has more corrupt citizens than fundings for the departments it needs to operate.
One Sunday on our way to Glorietta from EDSA, Tita Yolly and I were flagged down by the Mandurukots. They said, we were not supposed to be on the yellow/orange line. We were driving defensively, slowly inching our way to prepare to make a right turn at Ayala.
I asked them if supposedly the orange line meant we cannot stay long within that section for public transport. That GD SOB officer, who by the way has a jacket on to cover his ID or tag, said no. The line strictly sections off private vehicles. Ok, if that's the case, can anyone in the MMDA inform us, how the hell we can get to the gas stations beyond those orange lines? I guess the only option is to FLY.
GD it! This F***ING vampire of a government should take a good look at the team it has been leading.
One Sunday on our way to Glorietta from EDSA, Tita Yolly and I were flagged down by the Mandurukots. They said, we were not supposed to be on the yellow/orange line. We were driving defensively, slowly inching our way to prepare to make a right turn at Ayala.
I asked them if supposedly the orange line meant we cannot stay long within that section for public transport. That GD SOB officer, who by the way has a jacket on to cover his ID or tag, said no. The line strictly sections off private vehicles. Ok, if that's the case, can anyone in the MMDA inform us, how the hell we can get to the gas stations beyond those orange lines? I guess the only option is to FLY.
GD it! This F***ING vampire of a government should take a good look at the team it has been leading.
In Search of Youth
What would it entail to bring back one's youth?
What would you do to have your man back with you?
One has to watch the movie to witness personally how people can turn a blind eye to the ethics of life just to get back what they once had.
Underneath the gross storyline, I think what this movie is trying to portray is how women tend to allow society and men to define their beauty and their womanhood. This submission to public eye brings forth power to dominate other aspects...especially those who are most powerless - unborn children.
A word of advice: this movie is not for the weak...most particularly, straw-clad intestines.
What would you do to have your man back with you?
One has to watch the movie to witness personally how people can turn a blind eye to the ethics of life just to get back what they once had.
Underneath the gross storyline, I think what this movie is trying to portray is how women tend to allow society and men to define their beauty and their womanhood. This submission to public eye brings forth power to dominate other aspects...especially those who are most powerless - unborn children.
A word of advice: this movie is not for the weak...most particularly, straw-clad intestines.
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Yesterday, I discovered what David Sedaris looked like. While reading Me Talk Pretty One Day, I made mental notes again and again to research about David Sedaris. My breezy brain blew off my mental sticky memo Notes. I should've bought 3M instead of those cheap cutesy ones.
He does not look anywhere close than what I have imagined him to be. He looks the type of person who you would to confide in, and not find out about it 3 years down the road. However, with his sarcastic humor, one will find Sedaris' book highly engrossing and entertaining. Even I wouldn't mind disclosing dark secrets to him to have it exaggerated in his next literary masterpiece.
Needless to say, I can't wait to get a copy each of Naked and of Corduroy.
He does not look anywhere close than what I have imagined him to be. He looks the type of person who you would to confide in, and not find out about it 3 years down the road. However, with his sarcastic humor, one will find Sedaris' book highly engrossing and entertaining. Even I wouldn't mind disclosing dark secrets to him to have it exaggerated in his next literary masterpiece.
Needless to say, I can't wait to get a copy each of Naked and of Corduroy.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Be The Light
Recently I started painting. Nothing fancy. Just "paintful" versions of doodles or scribbles.
My canvas? My bedroom walls.
Each work depicts confusion, anger, the need to break free, the need for direction, the need for approval.
Since I was kid, I was never allowed to do within the reams of my parents' common sense and practicality. "You don't have any talent in drawing, just solve your math problems." "Photography is too expensive a hobby, and besides that's not your talent."
Parents know best. Moms know best.
Is there a Bantay Bata for emotional regression? Sure there's no school for parenting. Is there a school for living, for breaking free?
My shell. My hardened shell. Lava and snow had solidified my soul. My mind's too tired. I'm on autopilot now. Autopilot to self-sabotage. Now I understand what they meant when they say easier to give up, to conspire with the devil in you. Now I understand what they meant when they say it takes courage to stand back up, to see the light, to embrace the light then to be the light.
My canvas? My bedroom walls.
Each work depicts confusion, anger, the need to break free, the need for direction, the need for approval.
Since I was kid, I was never allowed to do within the reams of my parents' common sense and practicality. "You don't have any talent in drawing, just solve your math problems." "Photography is too expensive a hobby, and besides that's not your talent."
Parents know best. Moms know best.
Is there a Bantay Bata for emotional regression? Sure there's no school for parenting. Is there a school for living, for breaking free?
My shell. My hardened shell. Lava and snow had solidified my soul. My mind's too tired. I'm on autopilot now. Autopilot to self-sabotage. Now I understand what they meant when they say easier to give up, to conspire with the devil in you. Now I understand what they meant when they say it takes courage to stand back up, to see the light, to embrace the light then to be the light.
The Dearly Departing...
Every day I think of something new and fascinating and I make a mental note to blog about it as soon as I plop myself in front of a computer oozing with internet power. That computer would be any computer at the office. However by the time I get there, always, always I have things to do, emails to send and answer, that the ideas float away. Lost in a mere historical mental note.
At this rate, I'm afraid before I'm 40, most of my brain cells, particularly the memory storage cells, had already died, and no amount of medication will give them the chance to rise from their grave.
At this rate, I'm afraid before I'm 40, most of my brain cells, particularly the memory storage cells, had already died, and no amount of medication will give them the chance to rise from their grave.
Come Rescue Me
Now I understand why I got my award.
Tonight I got into a nasty discussion with my mom. She claimed why after a year of working for Confucius Institute I was only able to scrimp a few thousands. She hypothesized what if she is not earning a living, where will we leave, how will pay for her medical bills.
Tonight I never felt so worthless, so shitty, so guilty, so dirty...
Tonight I felt I want to throw up, to throw myself out.
Tonight I felt I'm not a human being.
My girlfriend tried her best to remind me how much of a gift I am. I have difficulty accepting it.
Now I understand why I got my award.
Now I understand why I have these results, why my life is like this.
I am scared. So scared of life. Because of that belief system that my mom had brought upon me. Life is scary if I don't have enough money. The future is scary. I cease to be worthwhile without money. That has been my dominant belief system. A very destructive one. So much so I can accept whatever shitty job that comes my way and I'll accept it. Just so I have income. Just so I can give her money. I am a
I am a gift to lots of people. I am heaven-sent to lots of people. Everyone except my mom. My award is there to remind me that however worthless I feel before my mom. I am still a gift, whether she sees it or not, whether she acknowledges it or not.
I just wish she'll see I'm still a child inside.
Tonight I got into a nasty discussion with my mom. She claimed why after a year of working for Confucius Institute I was only able to scrimp a few thousands. She hypothesized what if she is not earning a living, where will we leave, how will pay for her medical bills.
Tonight I never felt so worthless, so shitty, so guilty, so dirty...
Tonight I felt I want to throw up, to throw myself out.
Tonight I felt I'm not a human being.
My girlfriend tried her best to remind me how much of a gift I am. I have difficulty accepting it.
Now I understand why I got my award.
Now I understand why I have these results, why my life is like this.
I am scared. So scared of life. Because of that belief system that my mom had brought upon me. Life is scary if I don't have enough money. The future is scary. I cease to be worthwhile without money. That has been my dominant belief system. A very destructive one. So much so I can accept whatever shitty job that comes my way and I'll accept it. Just so I have income. Just so I can give her money. I am a
I am a gift to lots of people. I am heaven-sent to lots of people. Everyone except my mom. My award is there to remind me that however worthless I feel before my mom. I am still a gift, whether she sees it or not, whether she acknowledges it or not.
I just wish she'll see I'm still a child inside.
Monday, August 04, 2008
I hate taking my pictures lately. I hate seeing my eyes. Eyes never lie. They deliver you to either Heaven, Hell or Purgatory, depends on what state your soul is right now. You can guess where my soul is sweating in right now.
I feel so repulsive of myself that I cannot force myself to shift, to feel happy, to love others. I feel guilty more that my girlfriend just continues to be there to love me. I feel stupid with the false choices I've been making today. A life coach should know better, right? I feel guilty. I hope I have loved them enough before. Coz right now I'm beyond vulnerability. I'm beyond that. My emotions are kissing the depths of a vacuum. My mind becoming more insanely dictatorial.
It hurts. My mind hurts. It hurts. My mom's words hurt. It hurts. My heart just pounds against clasped walls, bound by chains of thorn, digging in deep, slicing at every beat. It hurts. My whole silent scream hurt.
I wish I can blow this feeling away. This is unhealthy. No, this is inhumane. I'm slowly being butchered to a fine cut fit for a queen. Swines did not want to die; however, someone deemed they should. Filthy swines rolling around in mud, squealing, growing pound by pound, giving birth to more swines, lying around oblivious to the negation the universe had fated on them. Then one day, the hand that fed them deemed it's time. Swines.
They're better off.
I feel so repulsive of myself that I cannot force myself to shift, to feel happy, to love others. I feel guilty more that my girlfriend just continues to be there to love me. I feel stupid with the false choices I've been making today. A life coach should know better, right? I feel guilty. I hope I have loved them enough before. Coz right now I'm beyond vulnerability. I'm beyond that. My emotions are kissing the depths of a vacuum. My mind becoming more insanely dictatorial.
It hurts. My mind hurts. It hurts. My mom's words hurt. It hurts. My heart just pounds against clasped walls, bound by chains of thorn, digging in deep, slicing at every beat. It hurts. My whole silent scream hurt.
I wish I can blow this feeling away. This is unhealthy. No, this is inhumane. I'm slowly being butchered to a fine cut fit for a queen. Swines did not want to die; however, someone deemed they should. Filthy swines rolling around in mud, squealing, growing pound by pound, giving birth to more swines, lying around oblivious to the negation the universe had fated on them. Then one day, the hand that fed them deemed it's time. Swines.
They're better off.
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