Come Rescue Me

Now I understand why I got my award.

Tonight I got into a nasty discussion with my mom. She claimed why after a year of working for Confucius Institute I was only able to scrimp a few thousands. She hypothesized what if she is not earning a living, where will we leave, how will pay for her medical bills.

Tonight I never felt so worthless, so shitty, so guilty, so dirty...

Tonight I felt I want to throw up, to throw myself out.

Tonight I felt I'm not a human being.

My girlfriend tried her best to remind me how much of a gift I am. I have difficulty accepting it.

Now I understand why I got my award.

Now I understand why I have these results, why my life is like this.

I am scared. So scared of life. Because of that belief system that my mom had brought upon me. Life is scary if I don't have enough money. The future is scary. I cease to be worthwhile without money. That has been my dominant belief system. A very destructive one. So much so I can accept whatever shitty job that comes my way and I'll accept it. Just so I have income. Just so I can give her money. I am a

I am a gift to lots of people. I am heaven-sent to lots of people. Everyone except my mom. My award is there to remind me that however worthless I feel before my mom. I am still a gift, whether she sees it or not, whether she acknowledges it or not.

I just wish she'll see I'm still a child inside.