I hate taking my pictures lately. I hate seeing my eyes. Eyes never lie. They deliver you to either Heaven, Hell or Purgatory, depends on what state your soul is right now. You can guess where my soul is sweating in right now.

I feel so repulsive of myself that I cannot force myself to shift, to feel happy, to love others. I feel guilty more that my girlfriend just continues to be there to love me. I feel stupid with the false choices I've been making today. A life coach should know better, right? I feel guilty. I hope I have loved them enough before. Coz right now I'm beyond vulnerability. I'm beyond that. My emotions are kissing the depths of a vacuum. My mind becoming more insanely dictatorial.

It hurts. My mind hurts. It hurts. My mom's words hurt. It hurts. My heart just pounds against clasped walls, bound by chains of thorn, digging in deep, slicing at every beat. It hurts. My whole silent scream hurt.

I wish I can blow this feeling away. This is unhealthy. No, this is inhumane. I'm slowly being butchered to a fine cut fit for a queen. Swines did not want to die; however, someone deemed they should. Filthy swines rolling around in mud, squealing, growing pound by pound, giving birth to more swines, lying around oblivious to the negation the universe had fated on them. Then one day, the hand that fed them deemed it's time. Swines.

They're better off.

The Guardian

With me just finishing coaching and CI's Director's Report, currently I finally have time to continue my a-book-a-month habit. Right now, I'm so into The Guardian (momentarily putting aside the more serious The Power of Now). Would you believe I only got it P40 in a booksale at St. Francis Square?

The story starts with a slowly unfolding case: about an angel named Tabris who killed the charge he had sworn to take care. He is eventually assigned to co-guard another human being despite the devil's plea to own him plus the clear discontent of most of the angels. Eventually, he found out that his new charge is supposed to be the future wife of his charge. Beyond this revelation of God's amazing decision, he learns to let go and forgive and love himself again as He had long done to him by giving him another chance in angelic life.

It's evident from the start why I was attracted to this book. I've lots to learn as Tabris. I can relate with his void, with his questions, with his desire to control the future, to always create a safety net, to be rigidly vigilant, to constantly fight away guilt's maggots from eating me alive.

I'm barely done with the book. Already I can't wait to finish it with one sitting.

Given the things that had been happening, I do wonder, do Guardian Angels really exist one per person, or with all the misfortunes plus the exponential population boom, is it a manifestation of a shortage of angels?

It's a very nice and light read. Interesting. I wonder why it's so much devalued. It's even a movie-material.

Questions for the World

Multi-tasking didn't end when I graduated college. Listening to TV while e-mailing about work and texting my girl. I just find it superficial when a girl cheats on his boyfriend back home, another becomes righteous, and others start back-stabbing each other.

I'm now drunk with work and caffeine-overdose so here's my point:

I am not the God to judge who should fulfill their womanhood by becoming moms; however, if they do get that wonderful privilege of bringing another life into this world I do hope they step up, breathe life and create a difference (a good one). Articles like this one (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080802/ap_on_re_us/starvation_death_charges) makes me feel sad, angry, full of pity.

Moreover, my mind fills up with questions: What is happening here? Can people still change? Is this world still worth it? Is Life worth it?